3 Steps to Overcome Self-Sabotage

I self-sabotage in many ways.

But one of my stupidest ways is checking email all. day. long.

Here’s how it goes:

I use email as my “to-do” list. It provides a constant hit of dopamine and concrete tasks to tick off my list.

Concrete tasks are nice for entrepreneurs: way easier than, “Come up with idea for blog” or “Update website” or “Create new coaching program”.

Email is a perfectly acceptable distraction. Better than Instagram. Or wine.

Sometimes I even use it to panic about how much work there is.

And – because entrepreneurship can be isolating & lonely, it keeps me company.

It’s a lovely distraction.

This year, I promised I’d become more productive and started with becoming aware of my habits.

I got really curious about m’self.

Guess what? I found that when I feel stressed about a task…

Or the next step of a project seems unclear or difficult…

Or I’m working and get a little bored…

I check email. I use it as a “break”.

What fresh hell is that!? Email is not a fricken’ break! Email is a place to find more tasks to do!

ANYWAY! This post (for once) is not about what an ass I am. Instead, I wanted to encourage you to try a tool I’m experimenting with.

The tool is, as usual, simple but not easy.

Something distracts you, right? Maybe your drug of choice is far more fun than email. (I’m not surprised. You’re way funner than me.)

Ok, so you’ve got a distraction. Something you do when a task feels hard, makes you anxious, or has a next step that is annoying or unclear.

Do you know what yours is?

Start with Step 1: Figure that shit out. Maybe you don’t want to admit it.

Just admit it so we can move on, ok?

Great. Thanks!

Now…you’ve got your distraction: it keeps you from bringing an idea to life or following through on a promise you made to yourself.

 

Step 2: Ask how mean you are to yourself about this distraction.

Do you beat yourself up about it?

I bet you beat yourself up in other parts of your life, too.

Today, I’m asking, “How has beating yourself up gotten you closer to that thing you really want?”

That’s right! It HAS NOT! (1000 points to you if you got that one right!)

Beating the shit out of ourselves is not useful. Doesn’t move us forward. Doesn’t stop the habit.

We don’t move through blocks by judging ourselves, being mean to ourselves, or beating ourselves up.

What does? Go to Step 3 to find out.

Step 3: See it. Notice the block. Notice the habit.
AND!! MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!

Do not judge it.

When I recognized my email habit – though fairly benign – I got fascinated with why I did this. When I used it.

How it kept me from moving forward.

How I avoided stuff I didn’t want to do.

I got curious. And realized, “Oh!! When shit feels hard, (or boring), I leave the project to check email.”

Maybe you get coffee. Or a Snickers bar. Or Snapchat.

Want to move beyond this? Be kind to your habit by noticing it. Thank it for serving you for all these years: it’s been trying to keep you safe from discomfort.

When you accept that you do it, and can be kind about it, THAT’S WHEN you start to move past it.

Want to get to the next level? Give these 3 steps a try!

Changed my life! Ready to change yours?

If you are ready to change your habits – maybe you find it’s hard. I’ve got support ready for you in my new Group-Coaching Program The Idea Space: Helping Creative Women Go from Idea to Reality!

  • Affordable support.
  • Realistic strategies.
  • Live coaching.

Let’s bring your idea to life – and you don’t have to do it alone, in overwhelm, or with confusion! Reach out to chat about this as a possibility for you!

What to Do When Your Project Feels Like It’s Failing

Jen, I’m so stuck. My husband thinks I’ve given my idea enough time, but it hasn’t made enough money. I’m thinking it’s time to go back to work at a regular job.

I receive a version of this email/text/call about once a week from various clients.

If you’re a Creative Woman, you’ve probably felt exactly this way.

Is there someone in your life who doesn’t believe in your idea? Or, are you not making money and you feel guilty & frustrated & overwhelmed?

If you’re considering putting your dream off until “someday”, read this love letter I wrote to my client.

I think it might help you – because it really helped her…and me when I felt the same way.

Shoot me a note: do you ever feel like giving up on your dream?


Dear C–,

At some point, every entrepreneur wonders if it’s time to throw in the towel. These moments of darkness are part of the journey.

It’s easy to not believe in ourselves.

We’re isolated. Overwhelmed. Confused about the next step to take.

Most female entrepreneurs I know feel like you.

They wish their husbands could cheer them on instead of point out all the problems.

They want their best friends to understand.

If only their families would hoot & holler in support.

But that’s not always the reality.

I struggled with this in my first business. We weren’t making any money, and we refused to make changes necessary to make money.

I was committed to my limiting beliefs about what I deserved and how much money I could make. I overworked on tasks that didn’t create money.

My husband & friends & family were tired of hearing my bullshit.

Frankly, I was tired of hearing my bullshit.

I stopped going to my husband or friends for support or ideas. It was bad for my marriage & relationships.

Do you feel like this?

Two questions got me clear on what I wanted.

  1. Do you want to go back to a job? What will life be like? How will life be better? If you that’s what you really want, that’s of course absolutely fine – you just need to like your choice.

If you’ve decided the idea of going back to a job gives you the heebie jeebies, then keep reading.

  1. Do you believe you can make money in this field? Do you have limiting beliefs about the people you want to work with?

Do you tell yourself that the only people who need you don’t have money?

Or…that people won’t pay for what you offer?

Both are limiting beliefs that you need to be aware of.

Look at my niche market: mostly women who haven’t even started their businesses yet. The story I had for a long time was they don’t have any money. And that’s who I attracted. People who were not willing to invest in themselves.

And it sucked.

When I shifted my belief that I deserved to get paid precisely because I served others, that I would work with only women who were willing to invest time, energy, and money into bringing their ideas to life, that’s when I started making money.

There will always be people who tell you you’re doing the wrong thing. Nay-sayers.

But when you stop asking other people’s opinions and just take charge – work with the people you want to work with – you’ll see things shift. No one can believe there is a market for this more than you can.

But I do. I believe there is a market for this. I believe there are people who will pay.

But until YOU believe it, you’ll undercharge, take clients who won’t pay, that no one needs what you offer, and feel guilty for charging for your gifts.

You’ll think you need your husband’s, partner’s, best friend’s, or mom’s blessing & permission to do it.

But YOU KNOW: there are people who need you. And you can help them.

What does she look like? What’s her name? How old is she? See her in your mind: and when you see her, start to think about how you will help her.

Talk to HER in your videos. Talk to HER in your blogs. Talk to HER in your social media posts.

And if you can’t get there – or you’d rather give up the entrepreneurial journey – of course you can do that too! Go back and get a job.

But please do one thing before you decide that.

Get quiet. Sit alone. Close your eyes. And focus on breathing for 3 minutes. Ground yourself – notice the earth supporting your feet and chair supporting your hips. Feel supported.

And now ask your brain to show you what’s happening in August 2019. One year from now. What is life like? Take a few minutes here and see what your brain shows you.

That’s your future self.

Do you like what you see?

Then ask your brain HOW you did it. What thoughts you changed? What actions you took?

Read this letter a few times…and call me if you need me. I’m here…

xoxo, Jen.

Need support bringing your dream to life?  A little direction? A little accountability?

Then you will love The Idea Space: Helping Creative Women Go from Idea to Reality!

This affordable group-coaching membership program will help you bring your idea into the world – without feeling lost or isolated.

Twenty-five Founder spots are available. Nab yours now. Program launches September 24th!

Get on the VIP List to be the first to know when it launches here

Feel Stuck Bringing Your Idea To Life? Here’s Help!

Here’s a version of the pain my clients experience: Martha wanted to write a very important book – one the world needs to read.

However, she couldn’t commit to writing it, even in small chunks. We explored where she was stuck, made a plan, and designed Action Items for her to implement.

Next session? She reported all the reasons why she didn’t write over the past two weeks.

Time. Kids. Job. Life.

Some days she just didn’t feel like it.

Other days, she knew she should, but she just couldn’t.

We used various tools to figure out why she was stuck.

Here’s what we discovered: Martha didn’t want to write her book because she couldn’t figure out what would the cover of the book would look like.

To be clear: She didn’t know what would go on the cover of a book she hadn’t written yet, so she didn’t want to write the book. 

I’m not making fun of her. This is a very real example what keeps us stuck!

The book’s cover was a good excuse to not write because she was terrified of failing.

BUT, fear of failure feels like bullshit to our brains, so she told herself she didn’t know HOW to write the book. AND that she didn’t have the time.

Ultimately, the root of the problem was that she was afraid the book would suck.

Then she was afraid the book would be AMAZING. And everyone would read it.

And that was scary too.

Does this make sense to you? It does to me.

“I want the thing. I’m afraid it will suck. And that will change my life. I’m not sure I can handle it.”

AND…

“I want the thing. I’m afraid it will be amazing. And that will change my life. I’m not sure I can handle it.”

We’re afraid of failing. And we’re afraid of success.

And both of these things sound so stupid to our logical brains that we make up reasons to help us make sense of it.

If we stay stuck – then we never have to fail or succeed…or do anything we dream of doing!

It’s safe. SAFE. And safe feels like meh. It feels like shit. It’s emotionally exhausting.

Once Martha figured out what was really going on, everything felt a little easier because it made more sense. She struggled to figure out

Why, if she wanted this thing so badly, could she never manifest it?

Why did she keep manifesting busy-ness? Lack? Pain?

Once she saw the paradox playing out in her brain, she mastered it. Writing came more easily. She worked it into her daily routine.

She saw the bullshit program her brain was running. She saw how the lies were holding her back.

Might your brain be running the same kind of story? How can you know?

Check in: ask yourself:

  1. If my idea fails, what would change in my life? Can I handle this?
  2. If my idea wins, what would change in my life? Can I handle that?

If your brain seizes up when you ask yourself those two questions above, then you’re running a bullshit program up there.

See, I know that you CAN handle it. Do you know you can handle it?

You can handle a win or a ‘fail.’ It’s not fun. It’s not easy.

But you can handle it.

Need support to disrupt the program running in your brain? You’re exactly the person I created my group coaching program for.

Register to be among the first to learn about it when it launches! 25 Founder places available at a great value. It’s time to get realistic & affordable support & bring your idea to life!

Your Magical Dust is Needed

When women create money doing the things they LOVE, the world becomes a better place.

When they don’t have to think things like, I can’t afford it.  I have to ask my husband.

Or, I want that, but I can’t have it.  We need that, but we can’t have it.

That shit is dis-empowering. I only realized it AFTER I started making my own money doing something I love.

But it’s scary to believe you can make money doing the thing you love.

Doing scary things is a challenge for me every day.  It’s exhausting because there are so many scary things to do all the time.

Doing scary shit is part of life. Until we decide that it’s all just too hard.

That’s when we stop doing hard things – and we get a little bored, feel a little “meh”, and possibly wonder if “this is all there is.”

When we avoid hard things, we start hiding from ourselves.

If you’re ready to stop hiding from yourself, remember:

You know you have a purpose.

Mine is helping women create abundance by doing things they LOVE. Supporting them during the hard times – because there are many hard times on this journey!

Because when women make more money, it’s good for e’rry body.

Maybe you needed to hear this from someone outside your head. Outside your house. Outside your social media feed.

YOUR IDEA IS DESPERATELY NEEDED IN THE WORLD!

The world needs this thing coated with your particular magical dust.

With your voice delivering it.

With your particular brand of awesomeness stamped into the side.

There is an audience. There is a need. You already know it because most likely you are your target audience.

And if you need what you have to offer, there’s more who need you.

If you’re nodding – or know someone who would nod along – then do one little thing this week.

Take one small step toward showing up for YOU this week.

A small step where you’re not hiding.

Do one small thing to start.

Maybe that’s setting up a call with me.

Maybe it’s showing up for a call with me.

No one’s asking you to quit your job, ignore your kids, or leave your spouse.

You can have what you want, but it takes showing up to get it.

How are you going to show up this week?

If you need help getting ideas out of your head, learn more about the affordable, realistic way to make your idea real in a way that works for your life.

Grab a spot on my mailing list to stay updated when it becomes available to the 25 Founding members at a great value! It’s perfect for you if you’re ready to show up!

The Miracle That Proved I Didn’t Suck

Math isn’t my specialty, but here’s an equation even I understood as a young woman:

I never liked babies or little kids.

+

My childhood hadn’t been…ideal.

=

I’d be a sucky mom.

So I was preeetttttyyyyyy sure I was never gonna do that. At all. Ever.

I mean, obviously, I could never love a child. And I told everyone I didn’t want children.

I was never having kids.

So much so that I even told my then-new-boyfriend that if he wanted children he should probably date someone else. (He stuck around.)

I took myself out of the running for parenthood before even giving it a real shot for consideration.

Then 15 years ago, a miracle happened. I fell in love with my brand-new niece, Megan.

Whoa. This was big doin’s. I am capable of loving a baby? Of LIKING a child?

I’m not a heartless monster after all?

Potential was revealed! I could take care of a baby and do it in a different way than I’d been raised.

It was merely a spark, but in those early days of Megan’s life, I saw what I could possibly become: a good parent.

Turns out I didn’t want to have a baby because I didn’t know HOW to do it well. Who wants to suck at something?

Do you ever do this to yourself?

Maybe not with parenting, but is there something you want that you’ve created a big story around? That you’ve already taken yourself out of the running for?

Before you even start?

Here was mine:

If I become a parent, I might…

  • create an unhappy kid – like I was.
  • be an unhappy mom – no one wants to be Mean Mommy.
  • be incredibly happy, and I didn’t know if I could handle that kind of success.

So I told myself I didn’t like kids, didn’t know how to parent, and hence, didn’t want it.

My son Jack is now eleven. He’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

He’s also a big, giant pain in the ass sometimes.

I fail with him. I succeed with him.

Most of the time I’m figuring out the HOW of parenting as I go along.

WHO ISN’T!!?? (Hey. If you’ve figured it out, do a sister a solid and come be my new BFF.)

I’m not doing it alone – and you don’t have to either. We all need support because – regardless of what the hell it is that YOU want to bring to life – it’s scary. Unclear. Tough.

You don’t have to know all the steps in advance.

And you don’t need to do it in isolation.

Ready to take that first step? You’re going to love what I’m launching this fall. It’s an affordable, realistic group coaching program so you can get the help you’ve been looking for.

It will help you birth your idea into the world! 😉

Grab a place on my mailing list to stay updated when it becomes available. There are 25 Founder spots available at a great value.

PSST: You’re not the only one out there with a dream you want to bring to life. And you can have it. I promise. You just have to see the potential.