How oppressive loneliness changed my life
Ever had an experience that feels like it lasted forever?
A shitty relationship? The worst job ever?
Time slows down when we’re unhappy.
When I lived in Manhattan through the ‘90s, time went SLOWLY.
Why?
It was confusing to me. I mean, I was living in NYC! Center of the Universe!
Why would anyone live anywhere else?
I worked 9 to 5. Was at the gym until 7pm each night. Had OOOODles of time to myself every day.
I spent every dollar earned drinking, eating, and shopping my way through the city.
Best. Life. Ever. Right?
Now picture reality: I’m 26-years-old. It’s Saturday night, and I’m home with a cold. I tell myself I’m dying & have an enormous pity party for myself.
Alone in a 420-sq-ft apartment, watching TV.
Pre-internet, pre-phone, pre-social media, and pre-laptop computer.
I am A.L.O.N.E.
Imagine this young woman, sitting by herself on her white & blue mattress-striped couch in her teensy apartment, eating raw cookie dough, drinking ginger ale, and sniffling through her cold.
Feeling very sorry for herself.
Why was I so miserable? I lived in the greatest city on earth! With a lovely job & a generous boss. Always busy…
I surprised myself by saying – out loud – “I’m lonely”.
Horrific words. I’d kept myself so awfully busy so that I never had to feel lonely. I’d pushed that feeling down far into my body.
Saying it out loud was a shock. But in that moment, my life started to change.
Why? Because I finally knew the problem! The feeling had a name.
Instead of continuing to hide from it, I confronted it. Gave it a name.
Made a plan to deal with it.
Everything changed in my life after that.
I actively sought ways to feel “filled up”, not busy.
This meant finishing my bachelor’s degree, seeking out new friends, and reaching out when it felt hard to do so.
Thinking about what I really wanted to do “when I grew up”.
Considering leaving the city & moving.
Looking at what made me happy – instead of just busy.
When I look back on this time in my life, it’s not with longing.
It’s with, Man. I don’t know how I did that for so long. I don’t know how I endured the loneliness.
The grind.
Being broke. Not knowing what I wanted to do when I grow up.
Knowing that there was something more I was supposed to be doing, but feeling really unclear about it.
It took me another move (to Boston) and then another move (to Syracuse) before I figured out what I was supposed to do: TEACH!
And when I did, the elation, freedom, and sense of connectedness filled me up!
Do you know there’s something deep inside that you want to do?
Do you believe you have a greater purpose than the one you’re currently living?
First – I want you to acknowledge it to yourself. You don’t have to tell another soul (because that shit is scary.) Just admit it to yourself.
Second – Let yourself dream. What does it look like? (I bet you know. I bet you can see the whole damn thing all played out in your mind.)
Third – Ask your brain this question: How would my life be better if I brought this idea to life? If I pursued it?
Last – Ignore all the negative chatter, the reasons “why not”. Let yourself play a bit – mentally.
What comes up? What do you let yourself see?
You might not have anyone else in your life cheering for you, but I’m over here cheering you on!
I want you to have that thing…
Psst! There are lots of other people like you! Want to meet them? Join me on Facebook or Instagram.
Or another option – if you really want to bring that idea to life – is join my online coaching group, The Idea Space. It’s designed to help Creative Women go from idea to reality.
There’s something more for you out there.
If you want it, I know you can have it, even if you don’t know it yet!
