Overcoming People Pleasing with Leslie Howard Smith

“What do you WANT?” This question is terrifying for many women. 

Why? Because we get trained to put everyone else’s needs above our own…So we never know if something we want is for us - or to make someone else happy. 

Welcome to the mind of the People Pleaser!

This week, Leslie Smith, self-proclaimed people pleaser, shares how this experience kept her from her own dreams for so long - and also how she’s learning to OVERCOME the habit!

What’s the Issue? 

A lot of women put themselves down because they are afraid of what other people might think. What ends up happening is they say “yes” to so many things, for other people and end up not putting themselves on their to-do list. It keeps them from actually moving forward in their businesses and their goals. I brought Leslie back as she is a proclaimed people pleaser. It has affected every aspect of her life, and overcoming this behavior changed it even more. 

Let’s Define People Pleasing 

“People pleasing is always being hyper aware of social situations and relationships and how I personally influence them either positively or negatively. When you’re aware of that, always trying to be one step ahead and making sure you’re taking care of the people around you.” 

Putting peoples needs in front of your own as your default, keeps you from taking care of yourself. What ends up happening is… you aren’t being taken care of! When you’re in this state you can end up feeling lost, not even knowing what you want anymore. Your focus has been on the wants of others rather than yourself. Heck, you can even lose sight of who you are. 

Leslie faced this issue throughout her life but it hit her as a reality in college. A teacher pointed out that she was unable to figure out who she was or what she wanted! She realized it stemmed from wanting other people to have a positive opinion of her. She wanted to study for a career in college to have her parents be proud. She wanted the other people around her to feel good. 

Where Does People Pleasing Come From? 

We all want to feel worthy and lovable. This can manifest in your life as people pleasing. If you are able to serve other people and give them what they might need you feel indispensable. If you can give them what they want they will see you as valuable. This causes the value you hold in yourself to be dependent on what you can provide other people. 

Well, I have a reality check for you… 

You are valuable in the world simply because you are in the world. 

It’s exhausting existing in a mindset where you are constantly thinking about the needs of other people. Always trying to put out other people’s fires that aren't yours can drain you of energy and take up so much of your time. 

Don’t you deserve your time? 

The Benefits

Look, people pleasing can be helpful. Leslie, for example, is someone that I can look to for advice. She can deliver a message how I need when I need it and how I need to hear it. She’s an amazing friend and this “skill” that she developed is priceless. Being empathic to other people is something that is a benefit. However, it took a lot of work for her to get to a point where she could establish boundaries with herself. 

Developing Healthy Boundaries 

Overcoming people pleasing is a hard process to go through. The main key is setting healthy boundaries with yourself and the people around you. Consistently going to the aid of other people is training those people to come to you to put out their fires. The thing is, people also need to learn to put out there own fires.  There are definitely situations where it is a life or death situation, but not every situation is like that. 

Leslie took a lot of time to analyze what she could or couldn’t help people with. If a person is relying on her a little too much, or causing her to feel uncomfortable she will shut it down. If someone is coming to her for advice, she’ll let them know she is too busy in the moment but might suggest another time to discuss the situation. She’ll respect her schedule and obligations and just flat out say no. It’s all about recognizing what she needs, and what things or time she cannot sacrifice in order to take care of herself. 

Letting Go Of Control 

People pleasing in way can be manipulative. By helping other people put things in order, you’re controlling the chaos that is going on. You create order where it didn’t exist before. You can tell yourself that you are nurturing someone, but the truth is that people need to learn what they need. You can’t assume that your solution is the best solution. You are denying the indiviudal from learning how to ask for help. You’re keeping other people from learning how to put out their own fires. Letting go of feeling the need to control the chaos of the world is going to be so freeing for your mind my friend. 

Getting To The Root Of It 

If you find that you are a people pleasing, you have to get to the root of it all. 

• Why are you doing this? 
• Why are other people more important than you? 
• What value do you put in yourself and your goals? 
• What do you need to process in order to overcome this habit? 

Sit down with yourself and answer these questions. See what comes up in your next journaling session. Make time for yourself to see if you can figure out some of your behaviors when it comes to people pleasing. Write a list of what you want and desire from your life. See what time you can give them. 

It’s time to get self-aware and get your shit together! 

I believe you can do this and do amazing things in the world. 

You are worthy of feeling confident in your life!

You are worthy of making your dreams a reality! 

You are worth taking care of yourself. 

If you want to get clear on in your business, be sure to join me on July 17th! I’ll be running a workshop for you to “Stop Struggling & Start Your Business” in Syracuse. Click the link and join me!